In the spirit of disclosure, I was fucking nauseous writing the following post. I delved into the one of darkest crevices of my being, and will continue to do so, in the spirit of this project. I only ask you to keep this mind as you follow this project.
I was sexually abused as a child. I am utterly astounded in having just put that sentence on the page and the individual progress that it implies. I know this post will be seen, in whatever capacity, on the blog and social media. As this project continues to gain traction, I know strangers, friends, and family will know, I, Derek Hopkins, was sexually abused as a child. To me it is rather profound to have manifested the courage to admit this fact. And I reiterate a sentiment a shared several days ago; this project has had a liberating effect on me.
I was inclined to keep my childhood sexual abuse a secret for the majority of my life. It was as if I had struck a baleful pact with those who have victimized me to never speak on what they did to me. It was as though I wanted to protect them in the most perverted of manners. I was indirectly providing them with anonymity, allowing them to continue on with their lives unscathed, and potentially victimizing more children.
As an adult, as a person who is constantly growing emotionally and spiritually, I am cognizant that sharing my experiences as act of righteous or pious vengeance, as a proverbial witch-hunt to bring shame on those who victimized me, will only be internecine. I want to grow as a person and as an artist. I want to learn from my experiences. I even want to forgive my abusers in my own way and in my own time which I figure to be a lifelong process. But even in that, it represents progress.
I am doing this project to bring awareness to childhood sexual abuse. It is impossible to gauge what impact will come from Allen and I opening ourselves up. As this project moves along, I will tell the stories of my sexual abuse and allow access to my most intimate thoughts in relation to sexual abuse. How I have carried and will continue to carry this allegorical pain, and what I have to do on a daily basis to prevent those demons of time from consuming me.